I am not a different person now, but I am a stronger one. The waves are more like ripples. I don’t so much fluctuate between states of sadness and happiness, but more neutrality and contentment. In some ways he is still in my thoughts, a passing memory may resurface or a smell or song may reignite my melancholia, but it is so quickly blown out that it truly is less of a trouble and more of a fleeting moment. He will always be an important memory to me, and although at one point it saddened me to think that he might one day just become a memory, I am now untroubled at that thought. My love for him is now just a shadow hiding in the back of my mind somewhere versus a monster creating chaos throughout my life. I will always love him in some way, and I am okay with that, because I will also love someone else some day. It will be a different love, as no love is exactly the same. I should not be ashamed at having more than one person I’ve loved in my life, but rather overjoyed for being able to share my self so fully with more than one soul. And a second love will be even sweeter, as I will be better prepared and accepting of it. It will not be so quickly broken. It took me a long time to get to this place, but I don’t hate myself anymore, and I blame myself less and less everyday. I accept my mistakes, learn from them, and move on.
I am a beautiful person, and I am willing to wait for the person who thinks so as well.
I have many adventures to be excited for in the not-so-distant future, and in a way I have my rough bout of healing to thank for that. Without it, I probably wouldn’t have developed the crazy edge of depressed invincibility (e.g. NOTHING CAN HURT ME MORE THAN THIS) that led me to actually pursue the dreams I’ve held for years. Even though I’m passed the depression, the dream has stuck and I’m going through with it. I will do everything I need to to live the life that I’ve only ever envisioned in passing. My life will be one full of mistakes, but never of regrets.