The sound of what cannot be seen

It has been a long time.

I am not a different person now, but I am a stronger one. The waves are more like ripples. I don’t so much fluctuate between states of sadness and happiness, but more neutrality and contentment. In some ways he is still in my thoughts, a passing memory may resurface or a smell or song may reignite my melancholia, but it is so quickly blown out that it truly is less of a trouble and more of a fleeting moment. He will always be an important memory to me, and although at one point it saddened me to think that he might one day just become a memory, I am now untroubled at that thought. My love for him is now just a shadow hiding in the back of my mind somewhere versus a monster creating chaos throughout my life. I will always love him in some way, and I am okay with that, because I will also love someone else some day. It will be a different love, as no love is exactly the same. I should not be ashamed at having more than one person I’ve loved in my life, but rather overjoyed for being able to share my self so fully with more than one soul. And a second love will be even sweeter, as I will be better prepared and accepting of it. It will not be so quickly broken. It took me a long time to get to this place, but I don’t hate myself anymore, and I blame myself less and less everyday. I accept my mistakes, learn from them, and move on.

I am a beautiful person, and I am willing to wait for the person who thinks so as well. 

I have many adventures to be excited for in the not-so-distant future, and in a way I have my rough bout of healing to thank for that. Without it, I probably wouldn’t have developed the crazy edge of depressed invincibility (e.g. NOTHING CAN HURT ME MORE THAN THIS) that led me to actually pursue the dreams I’ve held for years. Even though I’m passed the depression, the dream has stuck and I’m going through with it. I will do everything I need to to live the life that I’ve only ever envisioned in passing. My life will be one full of mistakes, but never of regrets. 

All seems to be well in my world.

Or at least it is strongly heading in that direction.

2011 sure has been one shitty year, but that’s okay because there is a balance in life and I understand that now. There is a give and take. 

Bring it, 2011. You’re almost done and I’m still kicking. 

I am in love with a boy

manufactured to destroy.

So I shall unravel my love

just like an old red, woolen glove. 

Little better today. 

Had a shitty dream. 

Life goes on. 

Help

I am so sad today. I miss him so much. 

I just replayed the entire day we spent together the first time we said “I love you.” It made me cry. I don’t want to cry. 

I miss him so much. 

Hello again.

I haven’t visited this Tumblr in a short while. I think it is because it is the one that I associate with sadness, and I haven’t really been sad lately. This is the place I would come to write down and express how I really felt about my life at that moment. I could be sad and depressed here and no one could judge me for it, and I think I needed that more than anything. And I’m sure I will again in the future. But I have been okay lately. I really, honestly have. I have been okay in a way that I didn’t think was going to be possible for years, let alone months. I’m not completely healed (who ever is, really?), but I am so much better. The strides I have made have been incredibly significant, and I am so proud. I have to attest that losing someone I loved was the hardest thing I have ever been through. It’s hard to imagine a deeper, more soul wrenching pain than that. But I have made it. I can see the end and I feel so strong.

I’ve learned a lot about myself, and about other people, and about right and wrong. I’ve developed my morals further, adopted a newer, more refined set of ethics. I’ve started to understand about what I can actually put up with in a relationship, and have decided that lying is just not one of them. Some people are truly capable of understanding and working through the lies of their significant other. I thought I was as well. But I am not. It is something I have to accept about myself, and it is something that I don’t think I’ll ever really be able to change. Nothing will ever hurt me more than lies or infidelity, so why should I be expected to stay with the person that puts me through that? I shouldn’t. I will not compromise who I am for a person who betrays me so completely. It doesn’t make sense. I have more pride than that. I am worth more than that.

I know that every relationship will have mountains to climb over at different times, but some mountains just truly are incapable of being scaled, and now I know mine. I know it is naive and unrealistic to say that I would NEVER put up with the lies of another, as every set of circumstances are different. When you’re in love with someone, you want so badly to look past their imperfections and just love the person you thought they were. Hopefully I will be better able to tell if that person is actually worth it or not. Hopefully I’ll be able to tell that lies are more an exception for him, and not a rule. Under the circumstances of my last relationship, it absolutely was not worth it. And yet I continued, and became bitter and suspicious, and just a complete shadow of who I actually I am. I became all the negative characteristics I could possess and pushed him away so absolutely. Some unconscious part of me knew before I did that he wasn’t right for me. He would never be right for me after what he did. I regret what I became. I wish I could have ended things when they should have been ended, instead of dragging it all out and making it more painful for both of us. I don’t deny that I held fault. I just believe that his was a catalyst for mine and could have been prevented.

But enough focusing on the past. I’ve learned from it and now it is time to move on. Really move on. Life has so much to offer me, and I’m taking it all. I am enjoying myself. I don’t hate myself anymore. I’ve started to regain some of my self respect back. I’ve been happy. I’ve been productive. I haven’t had a nightmare in days. Thinking of him is a rare occurrence rather than a common one. I used to think of him and everything more often than I wouldn’t. Now it is the opposite and I can hardly tell you what a relief it has been. I feel like I’m actually approaching true healing. I am becoming myself again. 

Bah humbug

Well, I was doing so well all week! I hadn’t had a single nightmare. Almost all of my trip to dad’s was free of thoughts of you-know-who. There was so much adventure and so much to do, and I hadn’t seen my dad in over two years so there was a lot to talk about. The only time I felt that all too familiar longing was right before I left. It was 5 in the morning, and I looked up in the sky, and there were more stars than I can ever recall seeing in my life. It was just gorgeous. You could see planets. You could see the Milky Way. You could see stars that a lot of people probably don’t even know exist. It was so beautiful. And I wanted him to be there in that moment. I wanted to share those stars with him, knowing he’d appreciate them as much as I did. I had flashbacks to our trip to Italy, when we laid our on the roof of our tiny apartment and just stared at the stars together, both in awe of the beauty above us and the happiness that laid right beside us. It was such a pure moment. 

Since I’ve gotten back home I’ve been doing better as well. My new roommate has provided a sufficient distraction, that I haven’t really thought of my ex all that much. I can sense something developing with him. We are both attracted to one another, we’ve made that obvious. We hang out all the time. There’s never a shortage of conversation or things to do. He’s a great guy it seems. But he’s my roommate, which I feel like puts him in the off-limits zone. How much would that suck if something happened and then we had to live with each other with all the awkwardness of a break up? It would be brutal. Or maybe not. Who knows. The fact that I feel like it’s forbidden makes me want it more though. True to human form. Don’t we always want what we can’t have? And do I really want him, or do I just want him because he seems so unattainable? I honestly think that’s a huge reason why I’m having the trouble I am getting over my ex. He is the second boy in my life to break up with me, and the last one was 7 years ago. I’m usually on the other end of the stick. I think it makes it much harder, being the breakee. You are more prone to analyze what you did wrong, to hate yourself, to blame yourself. I haven’t stopped blaming myself. I know I need to. It’s a large part of my misery whenever I go through one of the waves of depression. The ebb and flow is so painful, but I have to concentrate about how they’re only temporary, the waves. They’re only temporary. I am in one of my happier and healthier parts of my life this week. I’ve had proficient distractions, and a lot of reasons to be happy. And that helps enormously. But despite how (I want to say “happy” here, but it’s been more that I am not depressed, you know? So I’ll call it) not-unhappy I have been all week, I decided to torture myself because I’m retarded and I looked at his facebook. Such a trivial thing, but it had its effect on me. I had my first nightmare last night in a week. Maybe over a week. It was a harsh one as well. My dad called me to talk and woke me up in the middle of it and I am so thankful it didn’t progress. My dad is saving me in more ways than he knows. And I also had something else to concentrate on right after I woke up from that torture. It lessened the blow. I am so thankful. Hopefully this is the first and last nightmare for a while longer. It felt so nice to say I thought I was healing. I’d like that to continue.