February 2012
1 post
It has been a long time.
I am not a different person now, but I am a stronger one. The waves are more like ripples. I don’t so much fluctuate between states of sadness and happiness, but more neutrality and contentment. In some ways he is still in my thoughts, a passing memory may resurface or a smell or song may reignite my melancholia, but it is so quickly blown out that it truly is less of a trouble and more of a...
October 2011
2 posts
All seems to be well in my world.
Or at least it is strongly heading in that direction.
2011 sure has been one shitty year, but that’s okay because there is a balance in life and I understand that now. There is a give and take.
Bring it, 2011. You’re almost done and I’m still kicking.
I am in love with a boy
manufactured to destroy.
So I shall unravel my love
just like an old red, woolen glove.
September 2011
2 posts
Little better today.
Had a shitty dream.
Life goes on.
Help
I am so sad today. I miss him so much.
I just replayed the entire day we spent together the first time we said “I love you.” It made me cry. I don’t want to cry.
I miss him so much.
August 2011
14 posts
2 tags
“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe...”
– Friedrich Nietzsche
5 tags
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t...”
– Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum
4 tags
Hello again.
I haven’t visited this Tumblr in a short while. I think it is because it is the one that I associate with sadness, and I haven’t really been sad lately. This is the place I would come to write down and express how I really felt about my life at that moment. I could be sad and depressed here and no one could judge me for it, and I think I needed that more than anything. And I’m...
8 tags
7 tags
Bah humbug
Well, I was doing so well all week! I hadn’t had a single nightmare. Almost all of my trip to dad’s was free of thoughts of you-know-who. There was so much adventure and so much to do, and I hadn’t seen my dad in over two years so there was a lot to talk about. The only time I felt that all too familiar longing was right before I left. It was 5 in the morning, and I looked up in...
2 tags
5 tags
Mistake.
Let it be known that looking at old pictures of where you both used to be happy is not an effective way to get over somebody. Dear Lord, why did I do that? Why is this all happening to me? And finding the caption to one of those pictures being “I love you.” doesn’t help either. Well, here comes another relapse. I only brought it on myself. I wish so badly for things to be the way...
“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won’t tell them that...”
– Stephen Chbosky
“Heart weeps. Head tries to help heart. Head tells heart how it is, again: You will lose the ones you love. They will all go. But even the earth will go, someday. Heart feels better, then. But the words of head do not remain long in the ears of heart. Heart is so new to this. I want them back, says heart. Head is all heart has. Help, head. Help heart.”
—Lydia Davis from Varieties of...
6 tags
New love.
I AM SO EXCITED TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN. Seriously though. It just hit me like 30 seconds ago. I get to do it all over agin and it will be even more exciting than the first time. I don’t think it will happen too, too soon, but it will happen soon enough and I will be so happy! I thought that falling in love once was my personal destiny, what my life would be. I thought losing my first love...
“I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think...”
– Kurt Vonnegut
July 2011
59 posts
“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to...”
– Charles Bukowski
Ephiphany
I just had one of those moments where the exact right thing to do just hits you and you feel excited and at peace all at once. I know exactly what I want out of life and I’m going to get it. I feel like I’ve been working for this for years and I didn’t even realize it till now. I should know to have better faith in God. Everything turns out the way it is supposed to.
5 tags
A short letter.
You can love more than once. I thought it impossible at times. But I know you can. I was just to young to realize it. I am still too young to realize the majority of life’s secrets, but at least I figured out this one.
To the person I will love,
I cannot wait to meet you, whoever you are. I cannot wait to find out if you’re somebody I’ve already met, waiting to come into that...
“It’s much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave....”
– Stephen Chbosky
This is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard.
“The most memorable concern of mankind is the guts it takes to face the sunlight...”
– Charles Bukowski
3 tags
Sleep
For whatever reason, I slept better last night than I have in a very long time.
My grandma is doing marginally better. She’s not worse though, so that’s all we can hope for right now. Either way, I am grateful for at least that. I love her so much.
Met the new roommate yesterday. Going to be hard to not start anything there. We clicked entirely too well. For about three and a half...
3 tags
Sometimes you just need to just stand in the pouring rain and concentrate on each drop as it hits your skin. Sometimes there is healing in that, if only for a little while.
Unexpected
I’m not sure how to deal with all of this. I feel like the year 2011 wants me dead or something. I broke down crying last night driving home to Athens. What if I never get to call her on the phone again? What if I never get to visit her at the house that I spent so man of my summers in? What if I never get to go to church with her again at that adorable little church in Columbus? I...
Trying to forget someone you love is like trying...
What the fuck is wrong with me
“It’s much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave....”
– Stephen Chbosky
AH I CANT BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT
But in a good way. For now. I sent him an email asking him when we get to be friends today. The thought occurred to me a few days ago and I prayed for some sort of sign to show me whether or not it was right. Then I talked with Christina and she was very encouraging and didn’t say it was a bad idea like I thought, and even said that I even though I think I’m just trying to make up an...
“If she loves you, if she really loves you, you’ll know it. If you can wake up to...”
– Pasha Malla
“I always seem to forget
How fragile are the very strong.”
– Ingrid Michaelson
“I wouldn’t mind being a rose
in a field full of roses.
Fear has not yet...”
– Mary Oliver
Stuck.
I have a feeling today is going to be a bad day. I just have that feeling in my stomach like I’m going to get real depressed real soon and it is unsettling. I had a bad dream last night. And I woke up really upset, and I immediately thought It was another nightmare about him. But then after thinking about the dream, it wasn’t about him. It was legitimately just a bad dream. I think....
Ponderings
I had another dream last night. One in which we hung out and acted as friends. One in which I asked him if we could just be best friends again and we hugged. I yearn to do that now. I want to call him up and be like, you know, we were best friends before all this, can we at least just go back to that? Because I realized something last night. As much as it sucks to not be together anymore, and as...
Uh oh
I deeply hope I’m not going through another terrible relapse. The past couple days have been getting harder and harder. It’s just another one of those waves I guess. At least I know there will be an end to it. With the other times I wasn’t so sure, but I’ve gone through this so many times that I know it gets better eventually now. It just takes time. I can make my way...
This is just all over the place.
Come ON! What the heck?! Why do I keep torturing myself? It’s pathetic and retarded and I deserve more than this. I know why I still keep somewhat attached though. I know why I can’t severe complete contact. Because somewhere in the back of my fucked up mind I cling to the hope that one day we will be together again, and I don’t want to smother any hope of that happening. Even...
bad decision.
“There will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break...”
– Mumford & Sons, After the Storm
