Sometimes you just need to just stand in the pouring rain and concentrate on each drop as it hits your skin. Sometimes there is healing in that, if only for a little while.
I’m not sure how to deal with all of this. I feel like the year 2011 wants me dead or something. I broke down crying last night driving home to Athens. What if I never get to call her on the phone again? What if I never get to visit her at the house that I spent so man of my summers in? What if I never get to go to church with her again at that adorable little church in Columbus? I couldn’t handle thinking about it. I kept strong all day at the hospital. I only let a couple of tears slip once, but then it just hit me in the car, the reality of it. She doesn’t have very long. A month, if she’s lucky. I’ve always bragged to people about how well and healthy my grandma is, but this all happened so fast. We’re lucky she’s made it the few days that she has. And we can’t touch her. What she has is so contagious that a mere touch could spread it instantly. What a terrible thing. She needs a hug and someone to hold her hand more than ever, but she is forced to watch us stand three feet away from her in gloves and a body gown. I wore what I needed to, but I still brushed her hair for her and fixed her oxygen tube and did whatever I could. I just wish I could have reached down and given her the biggest hug. How horrible, not being able to be hugged. We thought her time was yesterday, but she’s held on for longer. She is so strong. She is so loved. I pray and pray and pray that I get to see her one more time. She means so much to me, and I’m not sure what I’ll do without her.
It’s much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can’t just sit their and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be who I really am. And I’m going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn’t do or what they didn’t know. I don’t know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It’s just different. Maybe it’s good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it’s okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.
But in a good way. For now. I sent him an email asking him when we get to be friends today. The thought occurred to me a few days ago and I prayed for some sort of sign to show me whether or not it was right. Then I talked with Christina and she was very encouraging and didn’t say it was a bad idea like I thought, and even said that I even though I think I’m just trying to make up an excuse to talk to him, even more than that I’m making up excuses to not talk to him because I am scared. And then we were in the car and she picked a random CD and that CD just happened to have a few of our songs on it, but I was able to listen to them and be okay and realize I could be his friend and be okay. Being able to listen to those songs is a huge step to me. Like, huge. I put so much significance in everything, that being able to listen to a song that was so important to us really showed me that I will be okay one day. And that day might be sooner than I think. So I emailed him. It might turn out good, it might turn out bad, and I’ll deal with either when it comes. At least I’ll know I tried if he doesn’t receive it well, or if it still ends up being too awkward, or whatever. If I can handle everything I’ve handled in the past four months, then I can handle this. I am feeling strong right now, and that is probably part of the reason I sent that email. But maybe this bout of strength is just what I needed. Maybe God really did answer my prayers. Things like this are why I know He exists. Call me crazy, but sometimes I can just feel that things don’t just happen by chance. Sometimes things are changed and arranged a certain way for a certain person. And right now I feel like one of those people. Honestly, I can’t imagine going through life and always being afraid of thinking of the time I traveled across Europe with a lover. I would like to be friends with that person, so I don’t have to be sad when I think about those memories. Just happily nostalgic. I am happy I did that. Even if it turns out wrong. I am happy.
If she loves you, if she really loves you, you’ll know it. If you can wake up to her staring at you and it’s not even mildly creepy, if you catch her smelling the shoulder of the hooded sweatshirt you lent her for an autumn walk at the beach,if she calls you drunkenly at four in the morning “to talk,” if she laughs at your jokes when they’re funny and makes fun of you when they’re not, if she keeps her fridge stocked with Guinness tallboys for when you come over, if she tells you how she wishes she were closer to her sister and that her dad makes her sad: She loves you, of course she loves you.
I always seem to forget
How fragile are the very strong.